Rest in Peace, My Friend

I am so sad, and so angry, and so full of sorrow–more than I have ever felt in my life.  I feel alone and isolated in this house, the silence broken only as others call to make sure I’ve heard the news.  I don’t know what else to do than to honor your life here, in some small way, and to tell you–to shout at you, too late–that there are so many who loved you, so many who wanted to see you happy.  You have touched more people than you know….

I don’t know what else to do, except go back to the deepest things within me, to cling to those things that I know and love, to hold on for dear life to the joy I have seen in my life, because right now it is rushing, sucking past me into a dark hole of torment, of sadness, of hopelessness.

I am so sorry that you could not see the joy in life, the wonderful things worth living for, and experiencing.  I want to shake you, shake you to your core–scream at you to see all the beautiful things in life, the things that go above and beyond any one person.  But I can’t be angry with you, I can’t hate you, and above all, I can’t change anything now.

I wish you more peace where you are now, than you ever found here.  I wish you all the joy I could not show you here.  I hope that your heart is content, your mind quiet.  Just know that I understood your pain, that I have lived your sorrow, and that you are not the only one to feel the darkness creeping ever closer.  I’m sorry that I couldn’t share my strength with you, that I wasn’t by your side when you most needed me.

You will be very dearly, very truly missed, and no words that I write, or photos that I post could possibly explain the depths of my sadness.